According to a survey, only 14% of couples sleep in separate beds every night. And while many of us might believe in the saying “couples who sleep apart grow apart” there are studies that show the opposite is actually true.
We at Bright Side believe that there are no wrong or right sleep arrangements, because to some, sleeping in different beds can be as pleasing as for others sharing a bed with their partner.
A poor night’s sleep can turn lovers into fighters.
According to research, sharing a bed with a partner that has restless sleep behavior can deprive you of 49 minutes of sleep each night. And, when one partner doesn’t get a proper night’s sleep because of the other, it will most likely result in a conflict between them the next day.
Actually, the study even confirmed that couples who tend to have a poor night’s sleep have more severe and more frequent fights than those who wake up well-rested. People who get a good night’s sleep, on the other hand, are more likely to be in a good mood, have lower stress levels, and be more patient.
Resenting your partner because you can’t get a good night’s sleep can be destructive to the relationship.
Snoring, fidgeting, and bed or blanket hogging are just a few of many reasons why some couples choose to sleep in different beds or even in different bedrooms. Lying awake listening to your partner snoring while you beat yourself up to fall asleep can lead to a build-up of anger, tension, and resentment toward your partner.
According to Jennifer Adams, author of Sleeping Apart Not Falling Apart, sleeping in a separate bedroom can even help a relationship thrive because both partners are not sleep deprived.
Each partner can tailor their sleeping conditions to their heart’s content.
Tina Cooper, a licensed social worker, sleeps in different bedrooms with her partner because of their opposite sleeping habits. “I’m a night owl, he’s an early bird. I need soothing sounds to fall asleep, and he likes silence. He likes a hard mattress, and I like soft and full of pillows. And because I don’t like the early day’s sunlight, my boyfriend gave me the master bedroom which gets less light and he has the second largest room that gets the sunrise he loves.”
How you spend the nighttime in your shared bedroom with your partner can also influence your daytime functioning, marital satisfaction, and psychological and physical health. And when 2 people with different bedtime preferences and nighttime schedules end up together, changing themselves just to please their partner’s needs might harm their relationship in the long run.
Sleeping in different bedrooms with your partner means that the 2 of you will have a place just for yourselves where you can relax after an exhausting day. This way, both of you can satisfy your needs without tiptoeing around and worrying about whether your partner might wake up because you want to watch the latest episode of your show before bed.
Even if you don’t remember waking up, disturbed sleep can have a negative impact on your overall health.
During the night, our brain cycles through the stages of sleep several times: light sleep, deep sleep, and REM (Rapid eye movement sleep). But when you interrupt the cycle by waking up during the night, it means that your brain spends more time in the light sleep stage and misses out on REM. And without sufficient REM your emotional well-being and cognitive performance suffer.
Interrupted sleep can also have short and long-term health consequences, like hypertension, weight-related issues, mental health problems, reduced quality of life, and other health-related issues.
People on Reddit share why they decided to sleep separately with their partner.
- “Because a good night’s sleep is more romantic than sharing a bed. I snore and toss and turn. He gives off literal village levels of heat in his sleep and I can’t stand the heat. I read, he can’t stand light. We keep different hours to an extent. A million reasons. We get along so much better this way.” — crankyweasels
- “My partner and I have completely separate bedrooms. We ’sleepover’ occasionally in each other’s rooms. However, we both sleep exponentially better apart. He’s a night owl and I’m an early bird. He wants only one sheet on him, I want 10 lbs of blankets. In addition, having a separate room allows me to decorate it however I want, have my own personal space, and keep it to the level of cleanliness I prefer. People look at us sideways when I mention the separate rooms thing, but it’s been a game-changer.” — eriasana
- “Different sleep cycles due to different work schedules. We are still madly in love and we both agreed to this because it’s the best for both of us.” — AFishInATank
- “Early in our relationship, 90% of our fights occurred in the bedroom. I like to sleep in a cold room with the fan on and white noise like a box fan. I also like to go to sleep with the TV on. She likes to sleep in a warm, still, cave in complete silence and darkness. We started sleeping in separate rooms and all of a sudden 90% of our fights stopped. Also, because we were getting real sleep, other fights turned more into heated discussions.” — ttc8420
What are your sleeping arrangements with your partner? Do you believe sleeping in different beds can help a relationship thrive?
The Outfit That Sparked a Wedding War: Did I Go Too Far…
Claire just wants to be the beautiful mother of the groom. But when she finds out that her daughter-in-law has her own ideas for the wedding, Claire decides to focus on her outfit. This leads to a fight between her and Alice on the wedding day. Alice claims that Claire ruined the wedding by taking her dream dress, while Claire thinks she did nothing wrong. Who is actually at fault?
All I wanted was to be the mother of the groom. That’s it. I just wanted to be a loving mother who adored her son more than anything. But this is the story of how my effort to make my son’s wedding perfect turned into a day we’d all rather forget.
When Mark introduced Alice to us, she was nothing like the person I expected him to fall in love with. Mark, my son, is a lawyer at a top firm, a job he got right after graduating from Stanford.
I’m going to be a lawyer, Mom,” he once told me when he was in high school and working on an essay about his future career.
“I can see that,” I said, making him breakfast as he studied.
“It’s to help fight injustices. For children, specifically,” he added, sipping his orange juice.
Mark had big dreams, and I knew he would always reach for the stars.
Alice was different from Mark. She was light and carefree, while Mark was serious and thoughtful. Alice was a self-taught coder who worked from their cozy apartment. Their personalities, views, and interests didn’t match.
But they made it work—and they were a sweet couple for the most part. But love can be blind.
When Mark proposed to Alice, we were invited to help surprise her.
“Please, Mom,” Mark said on the phone. “Alice isn’t close to her family, so having you and Dad there will show her she’s supported.”
“Of course, honey,” I replied, imagining their wedding.
I put aside my worries and offered to pay for the wedding. James and I had saved money for Mark’s education, but he had received scholarships that covered it all.
“We can use that money for the wedding, Claire,” my husband suggested at lunch the day after the proposal.
“It’s the best thing we can do for them,” I agreed. “This way they can save to move out of that small apartment. I know Mark wants a house with a garden for a dog.”
When we told Mark and Alice, I thought it would bring us closer. I didn’t have any daughters, so I saw this as my chance.
I could get to know Alice better—and it would be good for Mark to see that his wife and mother got along. But planning the wedding only highlighted our differences.
A few months into the planning, I met Alice at a coffee shop to discuss details. But we clashed over everything.
“I think roses are timeless,” I said, enjoying a slice of cake.
“They are, but they’re also overdone,” Alice replied, sipping her tea. “Mark and I want peonies.”
We went back and forth and couldn’t agree on anything.
“How about this?” I suggested. “You pick everything else, and just tell me the color of the bridesmaids’ dresses, so there won’t be any clashes.”
“They won’t be wearing green,” she said. “I’m leaning toward pink.”
I paid the bill, and we parted ways without resolving much.
Then one afternoon, Alice texted me.
“Hi Claire, just picking out my wedding dress with the girls! I wish you were here!”
She attached photos of her top five dress picks.
I knew Alice and I had different ideas about the wedding, but I wanted to be included in the big decisions. I wished she had invited me dress shopping.
“At least she’s sending you the top picks,” James said as he read the newspaper beside me.
“I know, but it’s not the same,” I replied.
“Do they look good?” he asked. “Can I see them?”
We scrolled through the dress photos together. They were fine, but nothing special.
None of them seemed to meet the standard I expected for my future daughter-in-law.
Alice’s favorite dress wasn’t what I expected.
I typed back, telling Alice it wasn’t the best choice and hoped my financial support would matter. James and I hadn’t set a budget; they had everything available to them.
“Why not consider the second one? It might be more flattering for you.”
James chuckled beside me.
“You’re overstepping,” he said.
Before I could respond, I got a message from Alice.
“Sorry, but I disagree. This is the dress I’m choosing.”
That night at dinner, as James plated our salmon, I shared my frustration.
“Alice isn’t even considering my opinion, and I’m paying for the dress!” I said.
James tried to mediate and even texted Mark to let him know how I felt.
“I think you should let them handle the wedding planning now,” he said. “Focus on yourself and your dress.”
Mark eventually convinced Alice to wear the dress I preferred.
I had to admit, it was the easier option, and I hadn’t had time to shop for my dress before that.
So, I visited a few boutiques and found my perfect dress. It was emerald green, which I knew would highlight my eyes.
“That’s beautiful,” James said when I tried it on for him.
I felt different. I no longer felt like the sidelined mother of the groom. Instead, I felt beautiful and confident every time I thought of the dress.
As the wedding week approached, James and I made sure to be present at all the events Mark and Alice needed us to attend, including the rehearsal dinner, where we raised our glasses to toast them.
“All sorted, Mom?” Mark asked me. “Your dress and everything?”
I smiled at my son. Even with the tension between Alice and me, he always checked in on me.
“Of course,” I replied. “I’m ready to celebrate you and Alice.”
On the morning of the wedding, I put on my green dress and did my makeup. It was everything I had wanted to look like for my son’s wedding—elegant and classy.
When I arrived at the venue, the atmosphere was thick with whispers. I ignored them, thinking everyone was just surprised to see me in something different.
I went straight to the bride’s dressing room, hoping to see Alice and compliment her before she walked down the aisle.
When I opened the door, Alice looked up, and her joyful expression turned into one of devastation. She looked me up and down and then burst into tears.
“Why did you do this to me, Claire?” she sobbed, her voice choked with emotion.
Confused, I stepped into the room and closed the door.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Your dress!” she exclaimed.
“What about it?” I asked, second-guessing everything.
“It’s my dream wedding dress, just in another color,” she said, nearly shouting.
I was taken aback.
“Alice, honestly,” I said. “I didn’t realize—they look so different in color.”
But Alice wasn’t listening. She sat on the couch, her head in her hands.
“How could you?” she cried. “You’ve made this day about you! Just because we didn’t take any of your suggestions!”
Mark, hearing the commotion from his dressing room, rushed in.
“Mom? What’s going on?” he asked, looking between us for an explanation.
Trying to calm the situation, I explained slowly.
“I didn’t see the resemblance, Mark,” I said. “I truly just loved the dress, and I thought—”
Alice stood up and marched toward Mark.
“No!” she shouted. “You thought you’d show me what I could’ve had, but in green. Isn’t that it?”
“Mom, please,” Mark said. “Let’s just try to get through the day. Please, for me.”
I agreed and left the dressing room, wanting to find James and sit quietly until the day was over.
I knew Alice and I were on a thin line, but I didn’t expect her to shout at me like that.
Naturally, I was upset, but I didn’t want to ruin their day any more.
Looking back, maybe I should have been more open to Alice’s wishes. It was her day after all, not just mine to control. The question of whether I was wrong weighs heavily on me.
Yes, in trying to impose my vision, I may have lost sight of what truly mattered—Alice’s happiness and Mark’s peace on their special day.
Was I wrong for what I did?
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